I went running last week, the first in a month, and the strangest thing happened; my heart actually felt so strained and painful that I had to stop and walk.

After a few minutes, I picked up my pace and started a slow jog again. (No way I was going to step out of the house and break a sweat, only for it to turn into an afternoon stroll) But the pain was back in a matter of seconds.

I did this 3 times.

Eventually I was forced to conclude, in conjunction with observable evidence from my lack of exercise, that I need a bigger heart.

It’s alot like the heart that we’re so used to talking about in church isn’t it? How often do we find ourselves saying the prayer, “God, enlarge my heart”?

Well, what I’ve learnt from my failed attempt at running is this. God can surely increase the capacity of our hearts, but having a bigger heart comes from exercising love in every instance, no matter how small it may be.

Having a bigger heart could entail loving our neighbours, giving up that seat on the train, not being rude at home, praying a silent prayer for strangers we come across, having genuine concern about the lives of our workmates and so much more. We need to get these right before we even run after the grander ideas that we have for God.

Because more often than not, God grows us by the little things that He places along our way.

On a sidenote, I will run more often.

A Secret

I’ll let you in on the art of avoiding disappointment.

And it’s so simple.

Just don’t expect anything.

When you worship (or attend a worship singing session), don’t expect God to touch you or speak to you.

When you ruminate on God’s Word, don’t expect to learn anything new.

When you encounter a relational standstill, don’t expect things to turn out for the better.

When you go to work, don’t expect to be used by God.

When you encounter difficulty, don’t expect God to bring about a breakthrough. In fact, don’t bother praying at all.

That way, you’ll safeguard yourself against disappointment. You won’t need to risk feeling shortchanged. You’ll never get hurt.

But be warned. You’ll probably never get far in life, dwell deeply in God or experience Him lifting you high above the circumstance.

Then again, you probably weren’t even expecting that were you.

Passing Thought

A quick thought before I’m off to Kuching for the week.

I’m immensely grateful for the shepherding system we have in our church, where every single member is actively discipled by a shepherd. But I cannot help but wonder, are we as disciples becoming too accustomed to being spoon-fed Godly advice?

Do we still seek God for answers? Do we still spend time in deep prayer? Do we still read the Bible and seek fresh insight?

Or are we attending shepherding hoping for ready made solutions.

Open Wonder

Ideals and reality often don’t go too well together. Life teaches us to find the practically-accepted level of idealism and stay at that. The Bible, on the other hand, teaches us to strive for the ideals that God has intended for. Now, I’ve seen too many people (myself included) take to the sidelines saying that it’s too idealistic to forgive, to love, to serve God fully, the list goes on. These folks recognise the immensity of the task of growing in Christ’s likeness and leave it at that. You see, the real issue is no longer about practicality as much as it is that we’re not ready to pay the price.

The past church camp was indeed an eye-opening one and God re-ignited within me 2 ideals, which I’ve shared and will share again.

Firstly, the church must be a family.

I could think of countless other ways to unite people in a group. For example, if I were looking to make a high-performance team, I’d make sure that I pick capable people and structure them like a department. Or if I were looking to form a group of people who are good at acting busy, I’d model it after the army. You get my drift.

But get also this, the church must be a place where people love God and one another. And God has intended for this to be done in the context of a family. Obviously for many, the ideal of a perfect family has been shattered through personal life experience, but we must never stop in believing that it can be achieved with God. (This is rather obvious, since many practical people are quick to point out that ideals are practically impossible. aka impossible without God). A family is a group of which people love one another, not for their deeds but for who they are. It’s also about people being willing to sacrifice for one another, above selfish reasons.

The second ideal I have is simply that as Christians, we must win the world.

As a child of 9-10 years, knowledge of poverty in the world made me come up with a theory that made it possible to live in a world without money. I was, of course, highly proud of myself. I imagined a world in which each individual did his/her best in his/her job. The carpenter would make furniture diligently while the farmer would sow and gather to his/her best ability. And with every individual doing their best work, their fruits of labour would be divided and shared such that each was given enough for his/her needs. It was only much later that I realised that this was strikingly similar to Marxism.

Now where am I getting with this? You see, such ideals have long been come up by brilliant individuals but when implemented, one need only look to countries that claimed to govern by such principles to see the little extent of their success. Human greed, corruption, selfishness have tainted and prevented these ideals from achieving their very aim.

I realised that as much as we can find ways to cure societal ills or to make an impact in society, life change must still occur one by one. We may come up with the most brilliant plan to make life better, or become the most successful person on the planet and make an example for Christ, but get this. The only thing that will change a person’s life is God’s love and that is what each and every Christian has to give and must give.

So to conclude my longest post yet, let’s continue dreaming of being the salt and light of this Earth. God knows, this world needs Christians who are influential. But realise also that as much as we can influence people, only the love that comes from God can truly change lives for an eternity. And God’s solution to that lies in the church.

The church is love. We are the church. We must love.

It’s been some time since I’ve been here, much has happened since but here’s something that’s been a recurring thought.

I cherish your relationship with God.

Yup, you got that right. Yours.

And because I do, I will put in every effort to help you walk closer to God, I will do what it takes to help you to grow. I will stand out and speak up to you if I see you going the wrong way. I will serve alongside you and I will keep watch over you so you don’t burn out while doing so.

You matter to God.

Raw

Increasingly I realise that the amount I can do is so little. 24 hours in one day is exactly as it is, 24 hours. Every decision comes at the opportunity cost of doing something else. I can resolve to study, rest and solve problems for 24 hours in one day, but still, I’m limited by time. I’m limited in the amount of energy I have to do so many things too.

Before this sounds like a rant (maybe it is, partly), I’ve learnt something.

Limited as I am, if I choose to invest my limited time in God, who is unlimited, there will definitely be enough to deal with all the things in life that need to be dealt with. Sure, I may not be able to physically do everything that calls out for my attention, but the little time I have left, I must choose to commit those things to God. Who will take care of it.

It’s not my job to take care of the universe. Never was, never will be.

No Other Saviour

You could give me a ruler

Dressed in robes and full splendour

Or an eloquent scholar

Well-read; matched with no other

But I’d rather have Jesus

Son of a carpenter, born in a manger

Born, burdened, begrudged, bled, battered

Hands punctured, ankles shattered, back lacerated, side pierced

He stands before me, calling me after.

Not as a fearless king, or an unblemished prince, or a sagely scholar

But simply, the one who bore the weight of the world. The most beautiful Saviour

Day 21

I have been thinking about how I would put an end to these 3 weeks of penned thoughts. And so, let me give it a shot. Here goes.

Today I looked up from my exam answer sheet; it was almost time to end the examination. The sheer busyness of the day was taking its toll on me (I was up and about selling cookies/earrings/clothes for another project from 10am). The seat in the lecture hall was extremely comfortable and had a high back. I leaned back against it, my head rested snugly against the seat (a rarity) and I closed my eyes and relaxed.

It occurred to me then, that after answering, thinking and double-thinking through 13 questions on reasoning, what I was interested in wasn’t to go through any more answers, but to put my answers through the furnace of marking and see what remained of them. And my grade of course.

And so, under examination conditions and during a moment of inspired rest, I realised how I would conclude these 21 (or so) days of reflection on living in the freedom that God gives.

I’d dare say that I’ve done what I could to equip myself thus far, I do know that I don’t have all the solutions to every issue I might face. But hey, its time to put me through the furnance of testing and God allowing, I’ll be better for it.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

-Psalm 139:23-

Oookay, I’m ready God. Here goes

Day 20

Yesterday I started the day in a different fashion. I found out that going through annual and analyst reports are a great cure for insomnia.

The next time I’m sleepless at 2am, and there are no sleeping pills at hand, I’m all good.

So anyway, back to the story. After involuntarily losing consciousness at 2 in the morning, I woke up at 6am with the lights and fans still switched on. I should have felt disorientated and sleepy (like I always do) but things were different with the 9am deadline for my report firmly attached onto every conscious thought. There was one thing that had to be done and I knew it.

Every single thought and action was calculated against how much time I’d take. Every move was measured and every step was planned.

It was a refreshing sense of clarity that I hadn’t felt in awhile. Especially in the mornings. My eyes were shut, but my mind was wide awake.

It makes me realise that often, I go through life quite the opposite. Eyes open but fast asleep. That includes  living a life of reaction, having no sense of eternal direction in what I’m doing, going through the daily motion, not focusing on eternal consequences.

I want to live wide awake. But I don’t want annual reports. Thanks.

Day 19

This verse literally shouted out at me when I read it.

¹⁴Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

- Romans 13:14

Mm, it shouted at me in the silence. I was left stunned for a few moments at the simplicity of God’s instruction. Do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

Do not think.

That sounds rather simplistic doesn’t it? How many times have you actually thought more about something after someone told you not to think about it the first place?

Do not think about Krispy Kreme Donuts.

.

.

See, I proved my point.

But then, I realised that God didn’t say, “Do not think about the desires of your sinful nature.” If that were the case, it’d be much more difficult wouldn’t it. Now I don’t plan on ever attempting meditation to rid myself of all desires in my lifetime, but I do know that just not having flirting thoughts of my sinful nature is already a darn hard thing to do.

What God’s really saying about the whole deal is this. “Do not think about how to gratify the desires of your sinful nature.” Now that’s a whole new ballgame.

It means things like:

• Not scheming ways in your head about how to get even with someone
• Not fantasizing over a lustful thought
• Not brooding and feeding thoughts of jealousy and hate
• Not rationalizing our sin

The list could go on. But God’s instruction is so clear on this. Don’t feed the sinful nature. Whatever you feed grows so grow the right things.